Produce Report.
Finally. Last week of the plant-o-egg.

4/06/2009 04:00:00 AM

I'm 28 weeks pregnant. This means what? Well, this means that in a mere 12 weeks (or less - gasp!) I will be a mommy and C. will be a Daddy.

What's Lila Ross up to this week? She's finished growing eyebrows. This is hugely important. Have you seen people with no eyebrows? It's odd.

What's up with me this week? I read this on a baby website and I snickered:
"Welcome to the third trimester ~ the period of leg cramps, hemorrhoids, varicose veins, itchy skin, aches and pains, swelling, heartburn, indigestion and . . . your baby's arrival!"

That sounds terrible.


I'd like to report that thus far the aches and pains, swelling and indigestion have been tolerable. As far as any of that other stuff goes - I've been lucky enough to stave them off.

One can hope I continue to be that lucky.

Q. How are you feeling?
A. Mentally? I'm golden. I feel great! Physically? I'm a bit slower than normal. My belly is definitely gently encouraging me to find alternate ways to do mundane things: like put on my shoes.

I also have no concept of proximity, location and my girth. I constantly hit my belly on chairs and doors when I'm attempting to squeeze through pathways that before I used to be able to walk through.

I feel like Winnie the Pooh when he got stuck in the tree. Seriously, it's not that far off.

Q. Let's talk about your actual stomach. How is it?
A. Well, for starters it's larger than it's ever been in all of my life and I'm proud to announce that thus far it's stretch-mark-free.

Secondly, I cannot get over how hard the actual stomach is. Not as in, "Wow! Those are some rock.hard.abs on that pregnant lady." It's more like, "Wow! What is that? Lila's rear end? it's very hard."

It's insane. My eggplant moves and moves and is constantly readjusting and at various moments of the day my stomach is just solid.

(As I type this, my laptop is on my lap (novel) and I'm watching my stomach move and jump around. Cra-zay.)

Q. How are your clothes doing?

A. I feel as if I've pushed them to their limits. It's like they're saying, "We are not maternity clothes. We've stretched and stretched and can offer you no more. We're going on strike."

They've been loyal. Now it's time to buy some new items. (Thank goodness for our upcoming trip to Ohio.)

Which brings me to my next question:

Q. How do you feel about maternity clothes?
A. For me? And my taste? They're all terrible. (Cast stones if ye' like - I hate them.) I do NOT want to look like a Coleman camping tent.

In my (not so) humble opinion, maternity clothes (specifically dresses) are like like bed sheets with varying colored belts tied underneath the up-top area. Cute. (Yeah, there ARE some semi-cool maternity clothes, but they're like $75 for a t-shirt and $200 for jeans. Totally do-able and reasonable for clothes you're going to wear for (theoretically) no more than 5 months. Catch the sarcasm?)

Gap. Looks like a big bed sheet.

Gap. Looks like a striped bed sheet.
What do I expect? I don't know.
Yes I do know.
I expect better.

Q. How are you feeling?
A. At this present moment? Water-retentive and whale-like. (I'm being honest.) Let's just say I've completely disassociated myself with my profile. That person in the mirror? Some pregnant lady. I think to myself, "Wow. I bet she's uncomfortable. Luckily that's not me."

Disassociation is a learned and refined skill I pride myself on.

Q. Are 40 weeks/9 months enough time to be pregnant?
A. Yes. Definitely sufficient. I feel the time is exasperatingly long and ridiculously short at the same time. You need time to wrap your brain around the fact that you're carrying an eggplant. But then again, too much time in this state isn't good.

It's like moving 3 houses down from in-laws. In theory, the proximity is good but after a while, it's uncomfortable for everyone.

Q. Are you looking forward to going back to the States?
A. YES! We leave April 15th and come back to Cabo April 21st. It's never enough time.

Q. Why are you excited?
A. Let me count the reasons: to see family, to finally SHOP for my baby, to buy larger clothes (namely underwear) and to eat food I've been craving for the past 7 months.*

*Note: This will be the last time C. and I ever fly the friendly skies sans a baby/child in our care.

Q. When is your next doctor's appointment/ultrasound?
A. Today. Six p.m. (How cool is that? I love evening Dr.'s appointments. SO convenient.)

Ok, I believe that's it.
Ultrasound pics next week.


  1. Most maternity clothes are awful. However, they become a necessity near the end...especially if you have to go out in public.

    Try Motherhood Maternity when you are in the States. They have a cheaper line of clothes that are not tent shaped. Their maternity baby t's are awesome!

  2. LOVE Liz Lange for Target. Also Old Navy. Jenna kept me stocked in yoga pants that I wore through delivery.

    I also never quite grasped my girth. I would go to pass Louis in the kitchen and blast him into the cupboards with my stomach. Awesome.

  3. I love the updates. All very very true. I've never been one of those women who love being pregnant. For all the reasons listed here. Ugh.

  4. i must second the "visit motherhood/mimi maternity and old navy" suggestions. there ARE cute maternity clothes out there. really, there are. liz lange @ target is another good one!

  5. Nadja, Lol about blasting Louis into the cupboards.

    I can't believe it's the third trimester for you! Thanks for being so candid about all your pregnancy stuff. It's great to know what's happening with you.

  6. (Quick note! I do like being pregnant. I'm not complaining at all. TRUST me. The clothes I just find hideous.

    I'll give those stores a shot in "real life". Maybe it's better than what's online? Hopefully! Yikes.

  7. i wish you luck and good fortune in finding the RIGHT maternity clothes.
    i want to note that you are a champ at this pregnancy stuff. having just spent 7 full days with you, i did not hear a HINT of complaining - EVER - from you. you are a true joy.
    Little Miss Lila will arrive into the world as one lucky girl.

  8. I have a problem with the phrase "friendly skies". :) When flying home from Cabo a few days ago they were pretty nasty to me.

    Love the update!


  9. I can't believe you are in the 3rd trimester already!! YAY!

    I also think that if anyone could make a stripped bed sheet look fashionable YOU could! However I do hope you are able to find some very cute clothes on your trip back!

  10. Iris, I seriously took his ass to the wall.

    Ky, never feel like you HAVE to cover up. I rocked a bikini 10 days before I gave birth. Lookin' gooooooood! It was effin' hot man!


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