Note: Forgive any errors. It's late and I'm tired. And, I may have inadvertently forgotten someone. Oops. In addition, know that I am offering lively conjecture about clothes -- not the women wearing them. I love fashion and I love art -- and by virtue of being an American, I'm merely expressing my right of free speech to talk about said art.
Still, I'd do it if I were forced but it would be like pushing off one of my children. (Sort of. Not really. I don't know them.)
Here's my train of thought.
1. Push off Justin Timberlake & Jessica Biel first. He's probably always going to be cracking (albeit, entertaining) jokes. And something tells me he beatboxes all the time.
2. Next, push off Kristen Bell & Dax Shepherd... hesitantly. She has such an admirable social conscience and they seem really happily married. And, I fell in love with Crosby on Parenthood. GAH! What a decision.
3. Keep Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds. (Because I loved The Age of Adeline and well, Ryan Reynolds.)
Who would YOU push off, who would you keep? (Please indicate in the comments.)
NOTE: After you push them off the boat, there'd be a lifeboat waiting to catch them so all would up safe. The only difference between the ones you chose and the others is that the ones you chose get to hang out with you on the Overboard yacht. Which would be fun.
Moving on. (See? This is how my brain works.)
|I love Questlove. Follow him on Instagram.And listen to his interview on NPR. He's brilliant.|
Let's talk about the 2017 Golden Globe Fashion.
First off, I have to tell you that I wasn't disappointed. There was some fantasticness there. And, well, there was some unfortunateness there, too.
1. All of the deep V's. Whoa. So many low-low plunging tops. This is the year of the minimally-chested woman, no? I bet Sofia Vergara was annoyed.
3. There were quite a few metallics, too. I didn't mind. I like fancy.
4. There were several chokers I didn't mind. (Only several.)
Let's start with the color of the sun, why don't we?
Emily Ratajkowski is wearing this.
This is not ok.
There is a wayward sequined-necktie stuck dryer-sheet-style to a satin sheet that she belted. (Do people still use satin sheets?) I just didn't love this.
And I cannot HANDLE a dress that drags.
Reese Witherspoon has worn this style at least 70,000 times.
It's as over-done as banana ice cream. (Friends, Haagan Daas is ice cream. Bananas has not and will never be ice cream. It's frozen bananas.)
This fits well and is lovely. In addition, Reese's hair and make are on point.
Still this is banana-boring.
I don't know who Maise Williams but she looks fine.
Is it boring? Yes. But it's also age appropriate and this gown selection makes me feel like she was raised right.
Viola Davis looks lovely. I adore her bob and the one-shoulder deal. I also love a cuff bracelet.
This is hot banana ice cream.
(Is that possible? Because hot banana ice cream is just a good 'ole fashioned banana, right? Like a good 'ole fashioned room temp banana.)
Natalie Portman looked absolutely ADORABLE in this Prada number. I love, love, love this. Why? It's perfection: the sleeves, the empire waist, the styling, the crystals.
Gorgeous. Her bump is so sweet.
Speaking of the women who were walking the red carpet with another living thing growing in their bellies...
This is Caitriona Balfe and she.looked.stunning. I love the cut, the colors, the draping and the broach.
She looks stunning.
This is Gal Gadot.
I wish her the best, but I didn't like this.
Let's move on to the varying shades of red, shall we?
So Brie Larson wore Rodarte and it just... I don't know... looks so antiquated.
It's very old-school Hollywood, but it bored me. I'll always be impressed by anyone who can match their lip color to their dress, but I mean... that's not enough for me.
I need more.
Carrie Underwood looked fine.
I'm sure people are going to give her grief for this; but she wasn't nominated. She was presenting. She looks chipper and cheery. I like it.
I like a structured gown. I can't make a flower out of a radish let alone a dress.
I'd say, well done, designer-o-that-gown.
Do I put Annette Bening in the pink category or the metallic? GAH? I don't know?! But I will say that she.looks.amazing.
Art deco perfection.
And, that's what I want to look like at 58. Well done.
Is Kylee going to love this gown?
OF COURSE I AM.
It boasts embroidery of pansies and is technically a print.
The only thing I don't love about this gown on Lola Kirke would be the light pink. I'm not a pinky person, but I think it's amazing.
And her bangs look adorable.
Great styling. A necklace would have been too much. Well done.
Zoe Saldana looks superb.
(I can feel the furrowing brows through the screen. "Have you lost your mind, Kylee?) I have not. But seriously, friends: she can pull this off. All of the ruffles, all the pink, the mauve waist-bow...
I don't know how, but this looks fine. Strange, no?
So I like how Gwendoline Christie refused the spray tan and kept it real.
She looks regal,and lovely and well protected from stray sun rays. (I wear SPF 70 every.single.day. Skin cancer is no joke.)
This gown is perfectly draped.
Here's Giuliana Rancic wearing Rani Zakhem and it's stunning. I like it, becuase you know - I like a print. But I certainly don't love it. It's not my favorite.
Let's talk more about prints.
Laura Dern looks great. (I always wish I was tall enough to pull something like this off.
Oh! Get this! I've been telling the world that I'm 5"4" since forever. I was measured this weekend and as it turns out, I'm 5'3". You can imagine my shock.)
Now, let's talk about the plunging deep V's.
Here's Emma Stone wearing Valentino. (How did I not know that she's only 28.)
I just can't hate the stars on her gown. It's fun and whimsical and lovely.
Here's Busy Phillips wearing Stella McCartney and I do hate this. I just loathe it.
The two white flowers on the up-top kill me.
This is not flattering.
Gina Rodriguez looks just fine. Who doesn't want to wear a gown that's raining crystals?
I mean, I would.
I'd wear it to the office. No problem.
Jessica Biel is wearing Elie Saab and she looks incredible. (Her arms. Whoa.)
This gown was made for her. (As in, it probably was.)
I love everything about it.
She looks so beautiful.
So I feel like I should preface this with a disclaimer:
I love SJP. I'm kind of a groupie. She's well spoken and articulate. She's got great hair. I like her shoe line.
But this is so bad.
The plunging neckline on this Vera Wang is too much. The sleeves are terrible both at the top and the bottom. I don't care for the pleats in the front, either. (I pray that pleats never come back.)
Her hair is not ok and this is just a calamity.
Please, just stop.
P.S. May I underscore that NO ONE looks good in this much white unless it is their wedding day.
Next up, Sophie Turner.
I'm certain this would look nice on someone.
But for me? I don't like the cups that come with my swimsuit to be on my shoulders.
It feels wrong.
It also bothers me how the white portion in the front sort of connects at the elbow giving her a sort of webbed look.
This is different.
This is not for me.
Here's Anna Kendrick wearing grey.
While I prefer a grey font over a black font, I don't like this.
Note: this is perfectly fit and draped well, but that halter gives the illusion of an extended body part that I can't imagine anyone would ever want.
This is a no.
So is holding the skirt like that.
Amy Adams is wearing Tom Ford and I don't like the neckline.
I can't get past that neckline.
I don't like that neckline.
This is not #necklineGoals
The upside? If anyone spills as glass of cabernet on Amanda Peet you'd never know.
I LOVE THIS.
Drew Barrymore is whimsical and boho and all of this is chic and perfection. I love her hair, this gown. All of this is a win for me.
I honestly want to wear this.
Here's Elsa Pataky. She looks fine.
Her hair is very "just-got-back-from-the-gym-like," too.
I wouldn't have.
Hailee Steinfeld looks so gorgeous in this color. While I don't love the photo, I really liked it when I saw it on TV.
She was the only person to wear lavender.
Way to stand out, little lady.
Did anyone else see the Janelle Monae's interview on E!? She was so sweet, so kind, so eloquent... what an incredible and happy and kind person.
And this dress? STOP IT.
She looks GREAT.
There is something hugely wrong with Jessica Chastain's fit on this gown.
I don't like this. At all.
And her hair is pulled back far too severely. That's just going to make for a mean a headache.
And diamonds sandwiched amongst cleavage is
always never classy. #alwaysRethinkChokers
Kerry Washington always takes risks and while I don't love this, it IS fashion and it's cool. This Dolce & Gabbana number rocks. Love the embellishments at the hip.
And those are the right shoes.
I love this.
I love Kristen Wigg's hair.
I love this gown.
I love all of this.
I just bought a shirt like this and I cannot WAIT to wear it.
Michelle Williams is wearing a ribbon choker.
And (take a minute), I think it looks cute. Do I hope to see it ever again? No. But I think it looks cute. On her. For this occasion. Only this once.
Her Louis Vuitton gown is so pretty. It fits her well.
Little Millie Bobby Brown from Stranger Things looks so cute in this little Jenny Packham cocktail.
It's not too short.
If I would have seen her when I was a boyish 10-year-old she would have given me hope.
My bowl-cut having self really needed that hope.
So here's Naomi Campbell wearing a super fashion-forward Atelier Versace gown and I kind of love it.
It's like Ursula from The Little Mermaid totally went couture.
I would like six panels of this gown delivered to my house so that I can hang them in my living room/ dining room.
Too much cleavage.
While I'm convinced this is not a breathable fabric, it does fit like a glove.
Would I wear it? No.
Do I want to wear it? No.
Do I think that if it had sleeves you could wear it and jog around your neighborhood to lose water weight? Yes.
Everything is covered. Absolutely everything is covered.
Does she have poison oak?
(I get it. Been there. Done that.)
Thandie Newton is stunning, but this gown...
...it just looks so angry.
Who needs that?
I thought Tracee Ellis Ross looks absolutely STUNNING.
This is horrible.
So let's talk about what I didn't love. Here are my Worsts.
I would not want to wear Chrissy Tiegan's gown.
That's a lot going on around that neck-line. I don't think I could take that. It seems very restrictive.
And that's the worst peplum I have ever seen in all of my life. This is horrendous.
I loathe it.
This is bad.
Nicole Kidman doesn't disappoint.
She always looks like a train wreck.
What in the WORLD is happening here?
Tissues at the arms?
Spaghetti straps falling off the shoulders.
A choker. (Chokers take your gown from classy to trashy in .5 seconds. You can quote me on that.)
This is an aluminum MESS.
I hate it.
I HATE IT.
And next is Sienna Miller in Michael Kors.
What, in the world, is this?
A cut-out gown, with short sleeves, pearls and a pony tail? (I'm shaking my head as I type this.)
(I really am.)
What happened here?
Sofia Vergara looks like the princess that Eddie Murphy's character in Coming to America was set up with to marry.
This is just too much.
This is not right for the Golden Globes. This is right for Beyonce. At a concert.
And my Worst Dressed goes to Felicity Jones wearing Gucci.
"Hey, I need to go to the Golden Globes. Can you make me as frumpy and child-like as you possibly can?"
"Please give me lace -- make it black. Then a tulle skirt. And please make sure that the top of the gown and the bottom of the gown don't really match at all."
"If you can add a random bow at my waist, that would be amazing."
"Yeah, I think that should do it."
Let's move on to happier things.
My BEST DRESSED pics:
Here's Olvia Culpo wearing Zuhair Murad looking amazing.
The print? I love it.
The styling? I love it.
The hair? I love it.
The makeup? I love it.
I LOVE ALL OF THIS.
Brave. Strong. Independent. Yes, please.
In addition, I loved, loved, loved Lily Collins also wearing Zuhair Murad.
She looks incredible.
This gown is INSANE.
I normally loathe appliques and all of that nonsense, but for some reason, I feel like this is just so lovely.
Kristen Bell in this Jenny Packham gown is sensational. Perfection. The best looking tuxedo there.
My best dressed is Blake Lively.
She's wearing Atelier Versace and I think she looks elegant, regal and like a movie star. The dual-bracelets? Stop.
I love all of this.
Very few could get away with the strange golden pockets, but she's working it.
Blake for the win.
What did you think?