Two Pretzels: The 5 Social Media / Media-Related Things I want for Christmas

November 22, 2016

The 5 Social Media / Media-Related Things I want for Christmas



1. For the Christmas season, I"d like to replace Trump with "Puffalump."

I think that would calm the fury, no?

"Did you read about Puffalump's cabinet choices?"

See?

Better.

(This is a puffalump. I had a yellow one.)

2. I want Facebook to turn off for a day. It can be considered a public service.

People would go to the site and be like, "WHAT IN THE PUFFALUMP JUST HAPPENED? WHERE IS FACEBOOK? HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT MY NEIGHBOR'S CHRISTMAS TREE LOOKS LIKE? HOW WILL I KNOW WHAT MY COUSIN ATE FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT?"

And then each time people viciously refreshed their facebook page, it would say things like:

Go outside and play.

Read a book.

Go talk to your kids.

Go journal.

Go do something you did before Facebook was born.

3. I want Instagram videos to go away. Instead, I'd prefer to scroll through the *still* and *calm* lives of others wistfully, without hearing their children screaming in the background.

I assume this is how my relatives felt when movie pictures started including sound and became talkies. It adds a whole new, unwanted dimension.

I want to see the lovely things, not hear them.

My own kids are yelling in the background, that's why I need your beautiful images to be jealous of.

4. I want snapchat to go away because it scares me that our collective attention span is decreasing by the hour and is hovering right around 15-second chats.

And, I just don't love that I can waste 20 minutes putting filters on my face.

5. I want Kanye & the Kardashians to take a break.

I think that would be a fine Christmas gift for all of us. No?

Let's be honest, they've made all the money, and now they need to incorporate meditation and some tranquility into their lives.

That's all.

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