Note: I finished this at 12:40 a.m., there will be typos. Please, go easy on me.
Update Monday, 8:14 a.m.: I forgot Priyanka Chopra & Margo Robbie and I had to add them. Stunning.
I'm going to keep this very surface. I like the gowns and the dresses and I'm not offended by asking actors "Who they're wearing." Sometimes I don't want to hear about them, I want to hear about their clothes. (Can I get an amen?)
So, I was blown away by all of the old-Hollywood styling: severe, parted hair and minimal color / makeup. Did you notice it? I'm not sure what I thought of it. I have a strong affinity for big hair (can't help it) and a bit of lip color - but there was sleek hair and no lipstick all around.
I can handle change. I can handle change.
Let's get Brie Larson out of the way. She's wearing Gucci... and BLECH.
Dear friends, aside from the color - I hate it. THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH HAPPENING. I think the cross-over chiffon at the up-top isn't flattering and the belt is riDONKulous. The swirly crepe paper hanging down is horrendous. It screams, "I'm here for the party," but one shouldn't aim to LOOK like the decor at said party.
I honestly cannot abide this.
Then add in the styling (boring earings and boring hair) and I'm snoozing before I even start.
I am beyond disappointed with this whole look. (I'm sorry they did this to you, Brie. Room was insanely disturbing, but you were incredible in it.)
Middle part in her hair isn't amazing, but the barette-look is super immature. The WWF, 100% diamante-adorned belt is too much, too. It's a strange add-on and I think the gown would have looked better without it.
So here's Alicia Vikander wearing a Louis Vuitton gown and the hem reminds me of a puffalump. (Does anyone remember puffalumps?)
The gown is age-appropriate and perfectly fitted and lovely and then... it's just messy at the bottom.
Next is Tina Fey wearing a purple Versace gown.
Ok, so here's the thing. It's fine. It's a strapless, wrap gown. Uh-huh.
Ideal for a presenter. Just so boring. And I found that the hair was so severe on the red carpet. What's the deal?
(I LOVE BIG HAIR.)
This does nothing for me but I recoganize that this is a vast improvement from awards shows of yesteryear.
I wanted to like this. But I don't. I mean, it sort of looks like a cape, but it's not. (I love capes.) I just can't get on board with this Elizabeth Kennedy dress, though.
However, Mindy Kaling is lovely.
So dressing Sofia Vergara isn't hard: put something on her, she'll look amazing.
This is just too much fabric.
You've got a gown, then you just wrap random extra fabric on it? WOMEN don't like extra fabric. This navy Marchesa gown is just too much.
(More severe hair. Another middle part.)
Naomi Watts skinned a mermaid and wore her flesh to the Oscars which has to be against some sort of PETA type organization? Right?
I mean, do I like it? No.
Do I think the neckpiece of gobs of jewels is too much? Yes.
Do I like her red lips? Yes.
Do I like that she paired everything with a black clutch? NO.
I simply cannot abide navy blue and black together. Looks like a bruise. Blech. This Armani Prive is eh.
Speaking of mermaids, Saoirse Ronan looked stunning in this emerald green Calvin Klein Collection gown - a tribute to her homeland. It fit her like a glove and looked lovely.
I honestly don't have ANY negative words about the whole look. I liked her hair, her minimal styling, all good.
I couldn't understand the two-colored earrings, but that's a non-issue.
Reese Witherspoon is wearing Oscar de la Renta and I cannot understand this gown.
That top looks like what I looked like back in
This is so frustratingly awful. When she was walking on the red carpet, you could actually see Reese's black bra underneath. I'm sure it was planned, but gah! No.
So there's Chrissy Tiegen wearing Marchesa. I think she looks absolutely and 100% lovely. I love the color, I love her hair. I love it all. Gorgeous.
Emily Blunt looks lovely in Prada. She's the cutest. However, I just don't love when pregnant women only wear empire waists. It's just boring.
So this is Tracey E. Edmonds in Lorena Sarbu and it's so lovely.
You guys, she's wearing a textured dress. A ton of beading and she still looks amazing. I like it. It's understated and it's lovely and it looks great with her skin. And you know I love her hair.
Again, though - we have the severe hair. Blech.
Is anyone else blown away by how incredible Lady Gaga is? I know she was slightly questionable in the past, but man - she.can.sing. Her performance was super moving.
That said - I love this gown/pantsuit by Brandon Maxwell. I love the structure and the whole idea behind it. What I don't love is the fit. The top maybe hangs down to low? And I am not sure the pants fit properly? (Maybe just a bad pic?)
Still, not very many people can wear white and she rocked it, rocket.
Jennifer Jason Leigh is wearing a lovely little gown. I enjoy a pepelum and I think this gown fit her like a glove. The adornments don't bother me, either. It's not bad. It's not overwhelming me, either.
This is vanilla. This is a piece of toast. This is rice.
Isla Fisher is so cute in this Marchesa number. I love a print. I love the belt. I love everything here. Whimsical and lovely. Appropriate for the Oscars? Not sure about that. But whatev.
Seriously? I love Amy Poehler in this Andrew GN gown. I love embroidery, I love prints. This is gorgeous and I love her hair, too.
It just looks way, way way too long. Let's hem it, no?
SO I WANT TO LOVE THIS GOWN.
I WANT TO LOVE JENNIFER GARNER in this ATELIER VERSACE gown...
...but this gown should not be on a young, available woman. (Adios Affleck.) This is for someone a bit older. It is SO BORING.
I just cannot handle it.
Jennifer, I want more for you.
(You deserve more.)
You guys, Julianne Moore is wearing Chanel Haute Couture and I absolutely loathe it. So, for Jennifer Garner's gown I gave it a 5 on my annoyance continum. I give this a 8.5.
The Star Trek-esque design, the LACE covered gown (that's lace, you guys), the round earrings - it's just all.too.much.
She shouldn't have.
Someone shouldn't have told her this.
Still, it's done.
[Hangs head in sadness.]
(What kind of pose is this?)
Sarah Silverman actually made a strapless gown appear to be very, very modest.
It's fine. Whatever. (More severe hair.)
I have no feelings ab out this. But I would imagine standing in that manner isn't comfortable.
I just wish that whoever dressed Whoppi Goldberg would have made that top part cover her up-top. It looks like a bandeau that doesn't.quite.fit.
If that one element would have been fixed, this would have been palatable.
You know what, everyone always says that Kate Winslet plays it safe – that she never does anything new.
Well, haters, this is new.
Do I hate it? No.
Do I love it? No.
Kate is a wonderful person (I don't know her, but I suspect she is) and this Ralph Lauren gown is different. Right? Different is good.
Good for you for doing something new.
Here's Charlize Theron wearing color. I love that she wore something flashy, but the strappiness isn't my fave. This Dior Haute Couture gown is stunning in that few people can pull off a deep V like that. And a train.
(Sleeping yet? Not overwhelmingly exciting this year.)
I loved this, oh, oh, oh how I loved this.
Olivia Munn in this Stella McCartney gown is stunning excellence. The color, the fit, the sophistication, the lips -- GAH! I love it all. So gorgeous.
(More severe hair.)
So Louise Roe is wearing Christian Siriano and I think that salmon sashimi suits her. I like it.
This is terribly ill-fitting.
I feel badly for her.
Sophie Turner in Galvan just isn't enough. Better luck next time. Whoever dressed her done.her.wrong.
She looks like a stick of Doublemint gum. (Does Doublemint still exist?)
Giuliana Rancic is fine. I actually follow her on Instagram. (Don't judge.) This gown was fine. Lovely, not too showy, very red-carpet-host...
If I had to chose her or Seacrest, I'd chose her.
SO, on to the gowns I hated.
Sorry, Rachel McAdams. This is heinous. I loathe the neckline. Look at it! The halter cuts offer neck and makes it look square. (NO ONE WANTS A SQUARE NECK.) The back wasn't terrible (it was a deep V), but it's ill-fitting and wrinkly.
I HATE THIS.
Yep. I hated this, too.
Olivia Wilde is wearing Valentino Haute Couture and I cannot abide it. The biggest offense is the styling. The choker, the hair, the makeup. I just feel like she is so much more beautiful than this look.
And, I think she's too busty for this.
(I loved the back, though. Structural and fun.)
Not enough, though. This is bad.
I looked at Kerry Washington's Atelier Versace gown a few times to see if I was seeing it wrong, but the top is crooked and ill-fitting.
You can't just buy a Harley Davidson bustier and throw it on a skirt and call it an Oscar gown.
And the black accents on the hips? No. No, thank you. We don't need to draw extra attention to her hips. Women don't like that. Even beautiful ones like Kerry.
This is bad.
And really quite sad.
And worst dressed goes to our good friend and regular worst-dressed winner, Heidi Klum.
Friends, this is actually a true and legitimate trainwreck.
This is a hot mess.
The various colors of chiffon. The flowery puffy things. Oh my.
Oh, and under-boob is never ok at the Oscars.
Drop the mike.
And on to my favorites.
So I loved Priyanka-Chopra dripping in $3.2 million of diamonds wearing this Zuhair Murad gown. I LOVED the lace, I loved the entire look. Whimsical, yet structures. And, she didn't look bridal.
I didn't love the belt at first, but it grew on me.
(Another side part. But, thankfully she has lipstick on on.)
Margot Robbie is perfection in this Tom Ford gown. YOU KNOW this gown took weight training in order to gain strength and wear it.
Each year someone should dress like an actual Oscar and I was happy to see that it turned out so well. Still, I think this is a bit more mature for her. I can see this on Dame Helen Mirren or Jane Fonda.
SO, I loved Jennifer Lawrence's Dior Couture gown. I love her hair. I love it all.
The boning, the deep V, the whoe thing... I love this.
Yep. My runner-up-to-the-best dressed is Rooney Mara wearing Givenchy.
Sigh. I love this.
The delicate lace. The structure. The thought and the planning and the care. All of these elements work together beautifully. Work of art.
Honestly, I'm surprising myself. I just love this. And, I love Rooney's styling, too. Severe hair, a red lip... this is just different for me and I like it.
And next, my best dressed.
DON'T EVEN SAY OTHERWISE...
Cate Blanchett wearing Armani is absolute perfection.
THIS is what a movie star wears.
Her hair is amazing.
The gown fits perfectly.
The color, the flowers, the earrings, the hair...
This is couture and fun and amazing.
It doesn't get much better than this.
And there you have it.
What did you think?