Two Pretzels: 2016 Golden Globes Fashion Recap

January 11, 2016

2016 Golden Globes Fashion Recap



Jewel-tones. Zombie brides. Plunging necklines. Sparkles. And white.

Let's dig in, shall we?

So normally when I start watching these red carpets I immediately spot what I love and what I don't. The first awards season of the year wasn't really an immediate hit with me. Still, you can always trust that I will give you a never-concise, always honest rundown on the fashion. My disclaimer: I am not cutting down the character of any one person. I am merely considering the work of designers and stylists.

So there.

Let's start with the gemstones.

So here's Gina Rodriguez in Zac Posen and I have to tell you... I was <this close> to handing her the coveted title of Best Dressed and I'm still not completely convinced I shouldn't.

This gown is PERFECTION on her. I love the draping. I love the full skirt.

Do I love her hair? No. Do I love navy blue? Also no. BUT this.is.stunning.


Is Felicity Huffman even remotely recognizable? She's a brunette and that's fine, but her body, you guys? I had to IMDB her (because I don't trust Siri.) and she's 53.

While her body is impressive, this dress looks like fancy bacon.

Like maple, beechwood, Harry & David bacon or something.




If Ariel grew up and went to the Golden Globes, I'd imagine that she would have worn this. It's Carly Chaikin and I hate it.

THE HALTER.

The ill-fitting top.

It scale-y.


So while she was talking to Giuliana on E! Bryce Dallas Howard said that she literally walked into Neiman Marcus and bought this dress a few days ago.

So she gets 30 points for being as real as a celebrity can be.

It's fine.

Would I wear it? Absolutely not.
Does the color look lovely with her shiny Pantene-hair? Yes.

It's fine.
It's fine.


I like Lily Tomlin. She looks age and fruit-appropriate. (Grapes everywhere are like, "That's the best we've EVER looked.")

She could have worn a statement necklace, but it's Lily Tomlin. Her statement is her comedy and well, that's laudable. 


This is Michaela Watkins. I don't know. I just hate this.

I think it's the seam where the gown and the ruffle meet that I just can't abide. "We're a perfectly-fitted lovely gown, now let's add Kylee's 1988 bedskirt at Michaela's knees. Right. That's a good idea."


Don't know who she is, but she's adorable. I love this.


This dress has literally been done again and again by nearly ever red-head to have ever walked the carpet. Still, Rachel Bloom looked lovely. It fit her like a glove and the color is perfection.

Lovely.

(Did I mention it's been done?)

But lovely.

(I mentioned this whole combo has happened before, right?)


So I think that Jada Pinkett Smith is as tall as a my-size-Barbie in real life, so it's my thought that adding additional/unnecessary fabric to a petite [yet fierce] little woman might be a strange decision.

The gown would have been lovely for me without the cape.

#capesAreCoolThough


Zendaya is wearing Marchesa and the gown is fine. It's really something when a 3-tiered, ruffled gown doesn't add any volume at all to the person wearing the gown.

She's so thin.

The gown is fine. I don't love it. I do like the plunging neckline, though. It's perfect for her. 


Kate Winslet is wearing a Ralph Lauren Collection gown and honestly? The halter? I LIKE IT. (Put that in the books.)

There's something about this halter that is endearing. I love that it's not a string and that it sort of spans the width of her clavicle/neck. I can handle this. It's sophisticated and not trashy.

She looks lovely.


So Olivia Wilde is wearing this merlot-colored, deep V Michael Kors gown and I just don't love it.

Ok, so it's not terrible, but did ya'll see that her eye makeup was reddish? Like pink-eye red. LADIES: DO NOT WEAR PINK / RED EYE SHADOW. IT NEVER LOOKS GOOD. It is NEVER A GOOD IDEA.

I can't.

Because I am a staunch supporter of all women (even the jerks), I refuse to be too negative. So, I think she's funny and I do like her hair quite a lot and plan to mimic it later this week when I get my hair done.


This seems like a seamless transition into the red dresses. Let's dig in.

Here's Tara Lynne Barr looks like a horrendous hot mess. WHAT IS happening here?

Asymmetrical neckline + waist adornment + fold over waist + high low dress + extra material.

Enough.

This is a wreck.

That poor child.


So Emmy Rossum is wearing Armani Prive.

YOU GUYS.

THIS POST IS BORING ME.

Fine. She's gorgeous. The dress is lovely. It's just boring and it's been done so many times before.

I love the necklace and the dress is too long.

Now ENOUGH OF THE STRAPLESS RED DRESSES THANK YOU OK. [Shaking head.]


See, now I don't think this is very flattering on Jennifer Lawrence. She's wearing Dior, like always, and I just think it's boring. I do, however, love the necklace.

It's not sleek and cool just because you cut out the side panels of the gown. On the contrary, it's just sort of weird.

And her styling is fine - but I would have bumped up the top of her hair more. I like me some tall bangs.

(I seriously bought a small travel-sized can of Aqua Net the other day. I'm serious. I just want to see what it's like.)


So Amy Landecker is literally wearing a version of a Gap dress I bought 5 years ago and still wear.  (I'm sort of thankful for the reminder because I seriously might wear it tomorrow. Which is fine, since I WORK FROM HOME and will not be GOING TO A MAJOR AWARDS SHOW.")

[I'm shaking my head again.]

Now listen, no one is arguing that it isn't a good dress.

But I mean?

The Golden Globes?

A tank dress?

SPICE IT UP.

(Someone give her a cape.)


It's yellow.
It's bedazzled.
There's a mock-turtle-neck choker.

What?

I honestly have a chair in my family room with that same adornment. Which is cool because it's a chair.

Sorry, America.


Jennifer Lopez is totally June Cleaver / Betty Draper on top.

She's all, "I'm mature and sophisticated therefore I chose to wear this this fancy SWEATER SET/shawl thing..."

But you keep looking and then you see that she just couldn't help herself: hence the thigh-high / privates-high slit.

(Yep, I said "privates-high.")

Oh, Jenny. Keepin' it real.


I love Cate Blanchett and it literally pains me not to have her on my Best Dressed list. But I think the design of this dress on the female body parts was just too much.

I love the fringe and tassels, but I just cannot support this 100%. I'm only supporting it 72%.

Potentially 73%.

(I adore the color, her hair and the styling. She's awesome. ALWAYS taking a risk. LOVE her. She's a Best Dressed All Star.)


So here's Eva Green in Elie Saab. I love the top. It's gorgeous. But the waist is just thoughtless to me. It should have been cinched in more? Or something? Blech.

All of this is bad.


Heidi Klum is wearing a hairy gown.

I can't.

This is not what I want to see.


Jane Wu looks amazing. Hardcore, yet amazing. (LOOK AT HER BODY.)

I don't have a bad thing to say about it. I just didn't really love it, but it's fine for her.


So I was like, "It's the sleeves" that make Jennifer Jason Leigh's gown terrible.

But no, it's pretty much the whole thing. It's too tight. Her uptop is SCREAMING for air. The belt is an afterthought.

It's powder blue. (Do you remember when the VW Bettle came out in "Vapor". That's what this color reminds me of. I'm old.)

Nope.
I don't love it.
This is a Sofia Vergara costume for Modern Familiy.


Joanne Froggatt from Downton Abbey looks adorable. The deep V's were EVERYWHERE. I think parting her hair in the middle, combined with the V, is a bit too much – but it's fine. She had a long trip from across the pond. We'll let it go.

(The dress does look a bit too big for her, though, no? Oprah always says, "GET A GOOD TAILOR." Because she's Oprah. And she probably has like a 4 full-time tailors living on property at each of her 17 homes.)


I hate this.

(I know! I'm shocked, too. I normally lurve the sparkles.)

It's just too much. Can Kate Bosworth look bad? No. But this dress is gross.

Too. Much.

WHY the belly adornment? No.


Because the cape was necessary?

And my Grandma Helen's shoes?


 Laverne Cox looks astounding.


Kirsten Dunst's uptop is far too ample for this gown. I'm nervous for those strings. We're putting a lot of pressure on 'em.

(The back was lovely, though.)


Um.

Ok?

Moving on.


So Amy Schumer looks the best ever.

I just can't get on board with those shoes. Not the right ones.

But I LOVE the color-blocking. It's perfection.


So when I got married I was super-excited for my bridemaids because their dresses came in two-pieces. They got to chose their style and I was like, "They can TOTALLY wear the top or the bottom again!" (I'm shaking my head. What was I thinking? I'm sorry, bridemaids-o-mine.)

THIS gown reminds me of two of the potential 18 selections that you could have had if you were in my wedding back in 2003.

And that choker?

Well, if you would have worn that I wouldn't have allowed you in the pictures.


Adorable
Age appropriate.
Cute.

Melissa Benoist in Monique Lhuillier.


Amber Heard looked fine, if not the teensiet bit creepy, though - no?

Do-do-do-do.



Love this.

Fierce.

I have no idea who Portia Doubleday is, but anyone who can be THAT serious about wearing a mirrorball deserves my respect.

LOVE this.


You know I love the prints.

Oh, but even I can't get behind this one. It's just...

...ugly. I'm sorry Rachel.


Another deep V.

Sigh.

Boring.


So here's Sarah Hay in Marchesa and I think we can all report that this.girl.is.working.this.gown. I love the color. I love the fit. I love all of this. She looks stunning... the ONLY things that kill me are the sleeves and the extra tulle in the front. Gross.

 Boring.


Also boring.


I really, really loved Uzo Aduba's sleeves. I think this gown looked so gorgeous on her.


It sort of looked like Viola Davis robbed Oprah.

This is an Oprah gown.
It's just too much.
I feel like it's too old for her?
Too matronly.

I don't know, something about it just rubbed me the wrong way.


Jenna Dewan Tatum looked PHENOMENAL in this Deep V.

Wow.


Does anyone else think that Lady Gaga needs some toner for her hair? Or, I mean, is it supposed to be yellow?

This silhouette is amazing. If you're going to wear black, you might as well wear it like this.


Malin Ackerman looks stunning. I sort of love the peplum. It was the only one that I saw on the red carpet (and I was there) - and I honestly loved it.

Very pretty.


So I think I'm losing my edge... (did I have an edge?) but I love Leslie Mann and I think this is absolutely gorgeous. Would I wear the necklace? I don't think so... but I love the long pink skirt.

After today's party she can hang it over her daughter's bed like a canopy.



Ok, so here are the Worst Dressed folks:

I'm sighing.

So here's Natalie Dormer.

I'll give you a minute.

She's wearing a pair of underwear around her neck.
YOU GUYS, she's wearing a black, sparkly, Magic Mike THONG around her neck.

Who cares about the rest of the gown. I just can't get past that.


Brie Larson is lovely and cute, blah, blah, blah, but I think that her hoots are far too big for this gown and I just wish she would have stood up straight.

She's a Golden Globe winner. I wish she would have been a bit more covered up.

Gross. I hate this.


So, Amanda Peet looks like a zombie bride.

(Shaking head.)

If you don't agree, we can't be friends.


And Rooney Mara looks like Amanda Peet's Zombie Bride Mini Me.

(I'm still shaking my head.)


Eva Longoria is cute. And I loved the clip where she and America Ferrera indicated that they were not various other Mexican/Puerto Rican /Spanish-speaking actresses. Awesome.

But this isn't good.

It's just not good.

Ok, it is good. I think it's super cute. But maybe not for an Awards Show?


So Katy Perry is wearing a bumpit in her, which is fine. But  I just didn't love her look. I don't know what I expected, but eh.


And my worst dressed?

Kate Hudson in Michael Kors.

1.) It's January.
2.) She's showing far too much skin.
3.) There's a choker involved.
4.) Her hair is boring.

This is just wildly inappropriate.

What could have made it better? Had the tube top been longer? We could have started with that. Had it not be a midriff-baring gown at all?

I just HATE this.


And now, here is the best of the best.

I loved Alicia Vikander's Louis Vuitton gown.  It is precious, but not too much so. And it was different. I loved it.


How cute is Aziz?


Jane Fonda is wearing a very, very substantial lasagna noodle and I feel that's noteworthy. 

I love pasta.

Seriously, though - she looks lovely and she's taking a risk. BOOM.


So my best dressed is Jaimie Alexander in Genny.

YOU GUYS.

This is so cool.

It's edgy and her styling is ON. The fit is impeccable.

I love this.

AND it's a PRINT and THERE ARE POCKETS.



She's working it.


Perfect hair.
Perfect make up.
Great earrings.


Awesome.

::

That was fun.

Ok. Bring it.

Tell me what you thought.

Photobucket
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1 comment :

  1. As always, my favorite post! "Fancy Bacon" nailed it, as did the Magic Mike Thong comment about ND. Three snaps with a twist my friend.

    ReplyDelete

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