Two Pretzels: Honest parenting.

April 12, 2015

Honest parenting.

Around 3 p.m. today I sent a text to the husband and proceeded to list all of the things that were wrong with my day, our life and our children.

[insert smile]

Lucky guy.

He's been away from Cabo since last Tuesday so I've been doing the full-time working mom/solo-parenting thing (HOW DO SINGLE PARENTS DO IT? HOW DID MY MOM do this? HOW DO SO MANY OF YOU DO THIS?) and I haven't slept well since Monday night. (I cannot sleep without that man.) Last night I finally fell asleep at 2:30 a.m. only to be awoken by crazy winds (PTSD, anyone?) and my four-year-old who was standing in the middle of the stairs up to our bedroom screaming my name.

After my rapid heart beat slowed I laid in bed listening to the palm trees roar and squeak against the glass of the window in the front of the house, trying to remember why in the world I moved to a tropical climate wherein we experienced a category 4 hurricane last September.

You can imagine how happily I awoke.

Bad mood.
Ready to move from Cabo.
Ready for adult interaction.
Ready to tell my children to JUST GO AWAY.

At one point today I set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes and told both of my ladies that they could not speak to me or to one another for TEN MINUTES. "YOU MAY NOT SPEAK UNTIL THE TIMER GOES OFF."

The.constant.talking.
The.constant: Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mom. Mommy? Mom. Mommy. Mom. Mama. Mom.

[breathe in. breathe out.]

The husband reminded me, via text, that one day I'd miss the constant chatter; the constant need for me.

And then I felt that familiar feeling: guilt.

I know.

I know that they're growing older.
I know that this is the "glory" time.
I know that this is the incredible time where they think I'm wonderful and beautiful.
I know that in a few short years I am going to be wishing they'd be standing in the middle of the stairwell crying for me.
I know that in a few short years I'm going to be begging them to say my name.

I know all of that.

::

Today, right as Vivi was refusing to please, please, please take a nap because Mommy is just.so.tired she looked over at me and said, "Mommy. I love you. If I could do it again, I would choose you to be my Mommy."

[heart broke wide open.]

But do you want to hear how I, an exhausted Mom, responded?

"I love you too, Vivi. Now close your eyes and go to sleep."

(She never napped.)

::

Heartless?

Potentially.

At the end of my rope?

Also potentially.

::

But here I sit, in my favorite chair, with my doors wide open at 8:18 p.m. (no wind blowing) in a quiet, still home. Millie the dog is sitting on my left foot and all I can hear is the tick, tock of the clock that used to belong to my Mom... and now, I'm better.

But you guys, there are days like this.

There are days when it's all just too much. When having kids a year and a half apart seems like it was perhaps only slightly more sane than jumping off of a bridge.

There are days when my brain starts to add up all of the "injustices" of my life (#firstworldproblems) and I get swept away in the melodrama that I've created.

We all do this, right?

I was literally READY TO MOVE from Cabo today.
I was ready to sell my children. (To a low bidder.)

Now I'm better.

::

Blogging seems to show the best of our worlds, doesn't it? We chose to carefully position our best moments and share those on our blogs, on our instagram accounts and in our facebook world. I think maybe it's worth sharing that we aren't perfect.

I still haven't showered.
My hair is just as it was this morning when I woke up; sort of hanging off of the top of my head in a half bun/half pony tail thing.
I'm wearing the world's most hideous nude-colored comfortable bra.
My children ate donuts and grilled cheese today - however I did throw in at one point carrots and applesauce (no sugar added.)
I had a glass of wine -- my first in over a week -- at exactly 5:42 p.m.
And my go at giving organic deodorant with no anti-perspirant in it has failed miserably today.

Today was a dud.

Which means tomorrow will be better.

::

While the girls and I were cleaning out their toys and doing our every-few-months organization, I ran across this cake set.

Ah. There it was. The perspective I had been searching for all day.

This, my friends, this is the toy that best represents parenting:



It's missing a piece.
The end of a candle is chewed.

It's not perfect.

But it's sweet.

::

Parenting ain't easy.

Thank God for God.
Thank God for today.
Thank God there's a tomorrow.

I'm out.

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9 comments :

  1. So many things to say about this post but for the moment I just want to say thank you for being willing to write it. It will be one that I come back to over and over again. Love you (and big, big hug), AKDS

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for that hug. I know you're dealing with essentially the same thing over in your house. Ah, the ties that bind. :)

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  2. Yes, yes, yes. This was me yesterday. Just so burnt out. My kids had spring break last week and I was with them most of that time since Rich is so busy trying to open the restaurant. Saturday I was so crabby I just hated myself. We ALL have those days. Thanks for sharing!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I hear you. Spring Break is a killer. Ours was two weeks. AHHHHH!!!!!!

      THANK you for relating. (hug)

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  3. First, THE BIGGEST HUGS to you.

    These days, oh they are SO very common. I hate to admit how common they are, luckily the good days outweigh these days.

    Since Terry started third shift, it is like we are married/solo-parenting which I have mentioned before what our schedule is like. It gets tough and I have sent PLENTY of late night texts to Terry venting about everything. (I agree, my mom was a single parent for awhile...God bless her)

    My bad breakdown was a few weeks ago (though lets be honest I am not sure if more than a day goes by that I do not yell at my 3 1/2 year old who feels the need to NOT listen and do the opposite of what I ask.) But I am talking crying, screaming, heart racing, lose my shit weekend. Terry had worked 10 out of 14 days and it was the tale end of that. Henry had also been sick with different things for about 4-6 weeks and I was just OVER all of it.

    Henry was just not listening AT ALL. And then the whining...constant whining. The house was a DISASTER. Literally. I was looking for stuff and had to DIG through piles to find things. And then YES the mom, mommy, mom, mom, mama, AHHHHH!. ENOUGH. I don't even remember what was the breaking point, I just know he didn't like his dinner (the same dinner I have made 687 times) and he wouldn't do what I asked and he was jumping off his bed and kicking a ball in his room and then when I took his ball away he started the yelling at me and hitting. I screamed so loud he instantly started crying (guilt). And I had to walk away. I went to the bathroom and locked the door and cried. Cried because I just had enough. Because I don't want to ask him 20 times to do something. Because I feel so bad to yell at him but can't have him hitting and screaming. Because I know he is only 3 and wants to be with mel. Because I hear him crying in the other room and it breaks my heart but know we both need a few minutes apart. Because I just wanted someone, anyone to be there to help me.

    We ended up hugging it out and Henry, my sweet boy, said he loved me and I was his best friend and he was sorry he didn't listen and hit me. :-)

    We all have these days. This is life with a kid, a kid who pushes you and demands so much more you then some days you are able to give.

    Thank you for sharing the reality of everything!! It is nice to hear we are not alone :)

    And have we mentioned there are no hurricanes in Ohio?! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh man. KIDS. They try our patience unlike anything else we've ever experienced, no?

      I'm so sorry you cried and Henry cried. But I get it. I've been there.

      BIG hug.

      (Ohio has winter.)

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  4. Yes.
    I feel you.
    As my girls age, these days seem like they happen more often, but drag on less...if that makes any sense. It's frustrating to know that "I chose all of this and want all of this but if it could just pause for one ding dang second, I would appreciate it all more."
    But it doesn't. Pause.
    So yes, goodnight you beautiful little exhausting beings I love so much. I gotta be Alicia for an hour or two.

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    Replies
    1. It scares me that these days are happening more often for you. Isn't it supposed to get better? Right? Maybe?

      Yes. Yes for being Alicia for an hour or two. Or Kylee. Yes. And yes again.

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  5. Thank you, Ky. Needed this. And I read it imagining you just telling me all about it, with clock ticking and me, too, in my hideous nude bra and ponytail/bun (my look for five months), waiting for daddy to come home. I appreciate you. Love- kat

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