So here we are.
First and foremost, I enjoyed Amy and Tina's intro monologue. I enjoyed it immensely. They're fantastic. But where were they for the rest of the show? Weird.
Tina Fey was wearing Antonio Berardi and I thought I loved the dress... until I looked at it again. It's kind of... weird. It's like a tux in the back and a winter/snow queen (Elsa?) in the front.
10 points for Tina. (For being Tina.)
2 points for the dress.
Next was Amy Poehler in Stella McCartney.
I don't know.
I guess elastic waistbands are accommodating. But I mean... For an awards show red carpet? I mean, it is ok to show your elbows.
This is terrible. So is the ridiculous after-thought choker. (CHOKERS ARE NEVER OK.)
Here's Maria Menounous in this discarded number from Miss Kentucky 2009.
The weird deep V and the sequins sewn in orb-form on the uptop is dumb.
Look at her.
She's not even happy wearing this.
Boring. Natasha Lyonne. Boring.
Just really, really boring.
Katherine Heigel in this Zac Posen stunner was going to be on my best dressed list... until I heard her speak on the E! Online red carpet with Giuliana Rancic.
After Giuliana told her she looked phenomenal, she actually referred to herself as being "fuller figured" in a quote that went a little something like, "Zac knows how to dress someone who is, shall we say, 'fuller figured like me'."
It's 2015 and you look stunning and no one will hear that. I can't.
Here's Kelly Osbourne wearing something somber. I hope it's in tribute to Joan Rivers. (Who I've thought about at least 5 times since watching the red carpet tonight...)
So, Cindy Crawford still looks like a supermodel. Which is lovely. But I feel that this dress doesn't offer enough support for her ladies.
She could never look bad; but this isn't a fave.
But I love that she comes to Cabo so frequently. So, free pass.
This is Ava DuVernay and I love, love, LOVE this dress.
Curves are fantastic and this dress... BAM. Perfection.
Those bangs, though? Or whatever?
The antithesis of perfection.
Allison Janey appears to be heading to tea directly after the show.
I wonder if she likes oolong or green.
I love this.
I love this.
Allison Williams is wearing Armani Prive and she looks incredible.
You guys, not too many people could actually wear that many layers of fabric. She absolutely rocks.it.
She looks so lovely. For some reason, the makeup just isn't working with me. But then again, I wear chapstick as lipstick, so maybe I'm not the right person to judge?
But I will.
When people wear red to the red carpet they're just asking for attention.
And I'm going to say this, and I shouldn't. But there comes a point in time, when one's botox routine surpasses what should be the recommended botox allotment and one just looks... well... waxy.
I give you, Catherine Zeta Jones.
Of course she looks lovely and all of that... but, that's a lot of botox.
So then there's Helen Mirren. I honestly think she's filling out Dolly Parton's gown quite nicely.
THIS WOMAN SHOULD BE THE 8th WONDER OF THE WORLD.
Let's say it again: WOW.
Speaking of wow: Jane Fonda.
You guys, it's pretty obvs that the Fonda-robics are effective.
LOOK AT HER. (I'm doing scissor-kicks right now as I type this.)
Now guess her age.
Ok, I can't not tell you.
SEVENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD. (Go ahead... I'll wait. I'll give you a moment.)
It appears that Julianna Marguiles wasn't super-pleased with her Ulyana Sergeenko gown either.
So, then there was Heidi Klum.
Yep, I got nothing either.
Ok, you guys - this is an incredible improvement. Vast.
I won't say anything negative because a.) I like Zac Posen and b.) Lena has been getting far too much negativity lately.
But this is an improvement.
This is Taylor Schilling in a custom Ralph Lauren gown.
I don't like halters. I will never like halters.
You can quote me on that.
The dress is fine, but it's a halter.
Viola Davis is gorgeous, but... this is a mother-of-the-bride gown.
I have a soft-spot in my heart for Patricia Arquette. (We watched Boyhood on Friday and I loved it. Did Craig? I don't think so. It was long. But I loved it.).
I like some good rouching. This is fine. Whatever.
So, Amal Alamuddin Clooney was supposed to be the one to watch at this year's Golden Globes.
I sort of feel badly for her... I mean, just because she married "the world's most eligible bachelor" doesn't mean she wants to be in the spotlight.
So that said, she looks lovely in this Dior gown, but...
...I can't get on board with the gloves.
I'm going to hope/assume she has bad eczema or poison ivy and leave it at that.
Claire Danes is wearing Valentino Couture.
If you look closely, it's made of feathers.
I love feathers, but this is so ill-fitting.
Claire Danes is gorgeous but she looks frumpy. Pass.
Here's Gina Rodriguez in Badgley Mischka.
This dress is far too safe for my taste.
This is like the red carpet's version of khaki.
Here's Melissa McCarthy. I just hate this.
I don't like the tie.
The peep-toed shoes.
This is a hot, pirate/waitress mess.
If I could cut my hair tomorrow and be certain that Craig wouldn't leave me (and that my cowlick wouldn't be a hinderance), I would have Maggie Gyllenhaal's hair. I adore it.
AND WHO WEARS MAUVE?
And it looks great.
I love this Miu Miu gown.
And she's cute and beautiful and you will not hear me saying anything bad about her because if things go south with Craig and I, and Jimmy Fallon is still married, I'm going to see if Jake Gyllenhaal wants to go out.
So then there's yellow. Here's Jenna Dewan Tatum.
Far too many ruffles. It reminded me of Naomi from Mama's Family.
GAH! I want to be Leslie Mann's friend.
She ALWAYS wears yellow, though. She looks great. I love her hair color. I wonder if I could get away with that color...
Ruth Wilson looks like a mature girl scout.
Way to go, Prada.
(Who has a thin mint?)
Amanda Peet is wearing a curtain.
Golden Globe winner Amy Adams is wearing the typical "I-won-a-golden-globe" gown. It's fine.
But I mean, it's grey.
The color of elephants...
Anna Faris is cute. Boring, but cute.
I don't know if you know, but highlights appear to be back. Hardcore.
Camila Alves in Monique Lhuillier is lovely and tranquil and calm.
I know, I can't say anything negative; I really like this.
I think Ellie Kemper's gown probably weighed a lot. I mean, that's a LOT of hand-beading. And is it bad that I start to wonder how much the hand-beaders were paid for making that gown?
I don't know.
I mean, that's a lot of fabric. Emily Blunt looks like a cake. Why do people think that they need to dress like Greek gods for awards season? I just don't get it.
I like ANYONE who wears sparkles. Life is too short not to wear sparkles.
Dakota Johnson looks lovely. Age appropriate and all of that. This is cute.
Giuliana Rancic needs an ensure.
I was watching her on TV, which "allegedly" adds 20 lbs., and she looked.like a pretzel rod. [All I think about is food.]
I don't want to see where her shoulders connect to her body. WE SHOULDN'T see that.
She's a mannequin.
She's intelligent, bright -- all of that.
But, no. and I don't like this dress because it's too much. Too pink. Too frilly. Too debutante.
Jemima Kirke is wearing a "shape" (shirt/cape). Which is fine with me, but I just can't handle the two shades of white on the top and the bottom. It's like a Lady Gaga choir outfit.
I'll be honest, I hate this.
Jessica Chastain looks like a Vegas attraction wearing an expertly draped Glade trash bag.
I cannot STAND this dress, Atelier Versace or not.
What color would you CALL that?
In my humble opinion, Kate Beckinsdale is the most gorgeous woman on the planet.
Throw a jean jacket on that gown and I'd wear that to work. Top knot and all.
KERRY WASHINGTON is gorgeous.
I mean, oh my.
I love this dress. I love the neckline. I love the shape. I love the colors. I love the length...
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE SHOES.
SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE SHOES!
ARE THEY RED AND BLACK?
Lupita Nyong'o is so cool.
The hair, the dress = yes.
Last year was a serious year, she won awards and she was 100% on her game. This year? I think we are seeing Miss Lupita's personality shining through. I like it.
Would I wear this to work with a jean jacket? Um. no.
But she looks great.
So this is Lorde wearing Paula Abdul's "Straight up" suit from her music video. (Remember music videos, kids?)
So then there's Selma Hayek Pinalt.
And this is a belt done well.
That thing in her hair? That's not ok, but whatver.
Julianne Moore is amazing.
...I hate this gown.
The feathers are cool, the copious amounts of shiny stuff? Bad.
I just feel like it's not right for her skin tone.
Maybe I should tell her?
I mean, I'm certain she wants to know how I feel... ;)
Now let's talk about what I could barely abide without choking:
I don't know this lovely woman's name, nor do I think her name is necessary.
All I know is that this is not ok.
Let's deconstruct this:
Tube top underneath.
Real Housewives hair.
Black sequins applique holding up satin pink skirt/train.
Jennifer Aniston is wearing a 1990's halter-style tuxedo dress complete with cumber bun.
Do I need to say more?
This is very Friends.
I love House of Cards.
I love Kevin Spacey (more than I should).
But... WHAT IS WITH THAT BELT?
WHAT IS WITH THAT BELT?
I don't even understand.
Kate Mara, no. The belt ruins the WHOLE thing.
So does the greased down mullet.
So there's fellow Toledo-born actor, Katie Holmes wearing an ill-fitting deep purple (???) bridesmaid gown.
The hair (those extensions).
The loose dress.
I thought, "This has to just be a bad picture..."
Here's another picture.
The up-top area is baggy. AND THAT HAIR?!
WE ALL KNOW THAT IS NOT HER HAIR.
Please, try again. We love seeing you out and about, but please try again.
I truly want more for you. You're better than this.
This is too easy.
I simply cannot have Keira Knightley as Worst Dressed because it's just too obvious.
This Chanel number is different... but I kind of like it.
In her interview on E! she said that it took 30 people to make it in one week.
I just don't know.
I don't know why you'd wear this to an awards ceremony.
...but I have to admit... part of me really respects her for being so nutty. She's my Helena Bonham Carter for the 2015 Golden Globes.
Laura Prepon looks like Elvira.
This is what happens when naturally-blonde people think they look ok as dark, dark brunettes.
Taryn Manning looks like a disheveled mess.
Her hair is one color on top, and another on the bottom. And this dress just looks ANGRY.
I want to hug it. Ask it if it wants to talk.
We can get through this.
"The sun'll come out... tomorrow..."
So then there's Kate Hudson wearing Carmen Electra's gown.
WHAT IS THIS?
Too much, Kate.
Way too much.
And my last two worst dressed:
Chrissy Teigen is beautiful, but LOOK at the seams/lining on this gown!
LOOK AT THE MID-SECTION.
She has a Ken-doll "ambiguous lump" at her crotch.
I just can't.
I can't stop looking at that.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
Why didn't anyone tell her?
She looks like she's wearing Bridget Jones' granny panties - but the lacy, fancy version.
And for my worst dressed...
From my understanding you're supposed to pick one asset to flaunt; not all of the assets.
This is tight.
60% of her hoots are showing.
Most notably, during her E! interview with Bilbo Seacrest, the slit appeared to come up to her crotch. She attempted to cover the slit with her teeny clutch.
IF YOU HAVE TO COVER THE SLIT OF YOUR GOWN WITH YOUR MINI PURSE, IT'S TOO HIGH.
PUT IT AWAY.
She's gorgeous, she doesn't need to show all of that. "If you've got it, flaunt it" holds as much truth as, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me."
And, on to my favorites!
I LOVE this color. This reminds me of the midnight blue crayola crayon that was always my favorite. Felicity Jones looks amazing int his Dior gown. I love the structure.
Emma Stone and I should be friends.
I cannot wear a jumpsuit. (For I am too short.)
But she can.
And it looks FANTASTIC.
She was the only star wearing pants on the red carpet.
And I love her hair.
Reese Witherspoon looks incredible in this Calvin Klein gown.
I love this.
I love the color on her skin tone.
All of this: yes.
Ok, now FOLLOW me on this.
Rosamund Pike is wearing Vera Wang Collection and here's the thing...
I love the dress.
It's just not for her.
But... it's ethereal and lovely.
And her body?
She's not a stick. She's normal and beautiful.
And I like it.
I love this.
This is perfection.
Anna Kendrick is perfection.
That neckline. That waist. This gown. That hair. The earrings.
All of it = perfection. I LOVE THIS.
And my best dressed for the evening?
I love her hair.
I love the styling.
I love the gown; the embroidery, the deep V -- all of it.
I love all of this.
It's just... pretty.
So there you have it.
Now it's your turn. What did YOU think?
(Tell me. I miss comments.)