On Grief: Moving "forward"

I wrote this last week. I needed some time to pass before I posted it. The truth is that life goes on, but for those of us who have lost someone, sometimes it seems to get harder. There are more good days at this point, far more, than there were almost 9 months ago. But, there are still bad days, too. 


My cute Mom. Circa 2007.


5.28.2014
Life has been moving forward.

Vivi started swim class. She goes underwater and even spins in a circle under water. She's so proud. She used the words, "gigantic", "frustrated" and my favorite, "fancy-tastic" today.

Lila is growing. She's all legs... and heart. She's learning to read in Spanish and English and her pronunciation is sufficiently confusing, but we're accustomed to confusing around here and know that with time it will all shake out. 

Work is going just fine. I had the most frustrating day in a long time on Tuesday. I wanted to call you...

...there's so much I want to share with you. So much I want you to hear and see and just know about.

...

I want to talk to you so badly. A piece of me is missing. It's not even a small piece. It's a very necessary piece. It's not an, "Eh, we can MacGyver this so that it works." Because no MacGyvering works.

The wound doesn't seem to be healing. (Shouldn't it be healing by now?)

I don't know how it's possible, but with each day, with each change in my life -- be they big or small -- it seems to hurt a little bit more. It seems to get a little bit lonelier without her.

I'm sure this is just a phase. Right? Part of "The Process"? 


I'm sure that before it gets better, it gets worse. This is normal?

I think that this first year following the loss of my Mom is about learning and feeling over and over again that she.is.gone.

The first year is about permanence.

At least it is so far.

::

There are days when I feel like I'm fooling everyone; even myself. But then there are nights to remind me that this is no joke.

::

If someone were to ask me today, tonight -- almost 10 months since my Mom died on September 9, 2013, how I was doing, here's what I'd say:

I'm right where I need to be.

The intensity that came in the seconds, minutes, hours and days after she died has left me. Thank God I can't recall in vivid detail those periods.

What's left is a dull, aching, deep, cavernous loss.

Oh, to talk to her one more time... 

::

I carry a bag that was once my Mom's. Today, I received a compliment on it.

I said, "Thank you. It was my Mom's."

Lila was standing there at the time and she whispered to the compliment giver about my Mom behind her little hand:"She's dead. She's dead."

Now, she's an almost-5-year-old merely reporting the facts in what is the most delicate way that she knows, but it stung.

It still stung.

It was like being in a silent room and all of a sudden a collection of clashing cymbals comes up from behind you and clangs at the same time right over your head.

You're moving along... just fine... just fine... and then BAM! The cymbals.

So, you steady yourself. 
You smile.
You take a deep breath and you hug your little Truth Teller because, well, hugs help.

::

The notion that I should be on my way to "closure" or "healing" or "getting over this" is absolutely preposterous. There is no part of me that is willing to, or near, "getting over this." And that's ok. Because she was cool and she was my Mom and she meant far more to me than I ever knew... 

So, onward I will go -- like so, so, so many others before me.

But tonight, I will cry and I will hold the card from her funeral and I will blink and press my eyes shut and try to remember what it felt like when she was just a phone call away. I will try to remember the way her fingers felt when she'd hold my arm to steady herself or the way her shampoo smelled. I will try to remember what it felt like to have the person who loved me first... live.

So tonight, I'll shed a few tears for her and honor her. Because I can. And because she deserves it.

::

--The Story of Loss. On Losing my Mom.
September 9, 2013  ::  The day I found out ::  Post here.
September 16, 2013  ::  It's One Week today  ::  Post here.
September 25, 2013  :: The Call  ::  Post here.
September 30, 2013  ::  Slivers of Sunlight  ::  Post here.
October 6, 2013  ::  That first week.Those first days :: Post here.
October 14, 2013  ::  14 days after  ::  Post here.
October 20, 2013  ::  I found a treasure  ::  Post here.
November 4, 2013  ::  She's been gone for 4 weeks  :: Post here.
November 13, 2013  ::  I smile and drive and cry and smile and cry  :: Post here.
November 17, 2013  ::  Weekends aren't easy  :: Post here.
November 26, 2013  ::  The holidays, the firsts  ::  Post here.
December 1, 2013  ::  8 weeks  :: Post here.
December 10, 2013  ::  The Dream  :: Post here.
December 19, 2013  ::  Vulnerability and Moving Forward  ::  Post here.
December 22, 2013  ::  The reminders. They're everywhere  ::  Post here.
December 29, 2013  :: 2013  :: Post here.
January 1, 2014  ::  The New Year  :: Post here.
January 7, 2014  ::  2 days from 4 months  ::  Post here.
January 17, 2014  ::  Another Gift ::  Post here.
January 25, 2014  ::  She would have been 60 today  ::  Post here.
February 9, 2014  ::  Five months  ::  Post here.
March 6, 2014  ::  Almost six months  ::  Post here.
March 27, 2014  ::  One of the Best Gifts Ever  ::  Post here.
April 1, 2014  ::  We're all in this together  ::  Post here.
April 24, 2014 :: 7 Months, Easter and Nope, I'm still not normal.  ::  Post here.
May 6, 2014  :: Mother's Day without a Mom  ::  Post here.


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4 comments:

  1. You're a good daughter, Ky. She loves you so much.
    Love,
    Miss

    ReplyDelete
  2. *sigh* Grief is so damn hard. I'm sorry Ky...

    ReplyDelete
  3. tears are never wasted on those we love so much. big hugs to you today.

    ReplyDelete

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