On grief: 7 months, Easter, and Nope, I'm still not normal.

Note: My Mom passed away on September 9, 2013, tragically. I've been writing about it. I wrote this on Easter Sunday. The whole story is here.


4-20-14

I woke up this morning thinking that today was going to be great. It's a holiday. As a Christian, today is even cooler than Christmas. Vivi ran into our room and after spying the Easter baskets on the dining room table, said, "Santa... er... the Easter Bunny came! Come! Look!"

We laughed... and got up. But I didn't want to get out of bed.
Heavy legs.
Heavy arms.
Heavy heart.

As my girls looked through their Easter baskets I sat in my favorite chair, capturing photos and thinking to myself, "Something is different."

Nothing reminds you that your Mom is dead more than a holiday.

::

It's really that simple.

My Mom died seven months ago and everyday is different; but holidays? They're terrible. There's no early-morning-phone call. There's no face-timing. There's no discussion about what is on her holiday menu. There's none of that.

So, this morning I was mad.
I poured myself into making breakfast. And then when that was over I watered my plants. Then I put a load of towels (???) in the laundry... I did what I do when the grief gets to be too much: tasks.

Tasks help me get through the day. They help me pass the time. Idle hands aren't good for me. I stay busy. I need to stay busy. Just.Keep.Going.

I nearly burst out crying (seriously, burst out...) several times, but I kept doing. And I wasn't great. I was short-tempered with Lila when we were trying to read a Beginner "I can Read" book and so we quit on page 3 because apparently I couldn't handle it. (Not my proudest moment.)

I don't even know how to explain it.

It's like a tennis match between my feeling, emotive, overwhelmed brain and my reasonable, intelligent brain.

Part of me misses her so badly that I'm ANGRY. I'm ANGRY at this day. The holiday that she LOVED. The day that she celebrated! The day that reminds us that Jesus died and rose for us.

Then the other part of me understands that this is a process and that, try as I may, I'm still going through the process.

I guess it's ok if I'm short tempered. I guess it's ok if I'm angry. I guess it's part of the whole thing.

::

Facebook is horrendous when you've lost your Mom, too. You scroll through your newsfeed and see family after family smiling and intact. And once again, my emotional brain has a duel with my reasonable brain. My emotional brain is jealous and sad that the most important part of our family, of our picture, is gone... for good. But my reasonable brain knows that behind those photos are pain, loss, sadness, illness, anger, regret, guilt and resentment... all of the regular, normal, messy stuff that's happening in every day with families.

I get it.

::

So the day went on. And I cooled down. I simmered.

I missed her terribly.
I thought of her and how incredible it must be in Heaven on the day that we celebrate Jesus doing what he said He was going to do. It's got to be an amazing party and I can imagine that Shirl was so happy, so beyond thrilled, to be there this year. I certainly hope there was a buffet.

And then again there it is: my emotional brain: I just can't help but wish that she was here with me.

::

I miss her.
It's been seven months and no, my life isn't the same as it was.
No, life hasn't gotten easier.
No, I don't feel like I've gotten back into the swing of things.

Yes, I feel lonely.
Yes, I feel sad.
Yes, I feel as if the world keeps moving and no one really understand what it's like to not have a Mom here.

But again, that's my emotional side.

My reasonable side usually prevails.

I was blessed to have her in my life.
I am blessed to have her in my heart.
I am blessed.


Sigh.

::

--The Story of Loss. On Losing my Mom.
September 9, 2013  ::  The day I found out ::  Post here.
September 16, 2013  ::  It's One Week today  ::  Post here.
September 25, 2013  :: The Call  ::  Post here.
September 30, 2013  ::  Slivers of Sunlight  ::  Post here.
October 6, 2013  ::  That first week.Those first days :: Post here.
October 14, 2013  ::  14 days after  ::  Post here.
October 20, 2013  ::  I found a treasure  ::  Post here.
November 4, 2013  ::  She's been gone for 4 weeks  :: Post here.
November 13, 2013  ::  I smile and drive and cry and smile and cry  :: Post here.
November 17, 2013  ::  Weekends aren't easy  :: Post here.
November 26, 2013  ::  The holidays, the firsts  ::  Post here.
December 1, 2013  ::  8 weeks  :: Post here.
December 10, 2013  ::  The Dream  :: Post here.
December 19, 2013  ::  Vulnerability and Moving Forward  ::  Post here.
December 22, 2013  ::  The reminders. They're everywhere  ::  Post here.
December 29, 2013  :: 2013  :: Post here.
January 1, 2014  ::  The New Year  :: Post here.
January 7, 2014  ::  2 days from 4 months  ::  Post here.
January 17, 2014  ::  Another Gift ::  Post here.
January 25, 2014  ::  She would have been 60 today  ::  Post here.
February 9, 2014  ::  Five months  ::  Post here.
March 6, 2014  ::  Almost six months  ::  Post here.
March 27, 2014  ::  One of the Best Gifts Ever  ::  Post here.
April 1, 2014  ::  We're all in this together  ::  Post here.
::
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2 comments:

  1. Man. Grief is HARD. Praying for ya.

    ReplyDelete
  2. *sigh* I hear ya. My Aunt (who died in January) LOVED Easter as well, so between that and it being our first holiday without my sister-in-law, Easter was a very bittersweet day here as well. Grief is so damn hard. :(

    ReplyDelete

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