What is the is.

This week, starting Sunday, hasn't been easy.

Nobody has easy weeks. I get that. But Sunday marked six months that I've been living without Shirl. I sat. I cried a little. I wrote a little. I drank a little bit of tea. I was angry a little. I was sad a lot.

I decided to skip publishing what I wrote...

Sunday I drank out of this cup that she bought me at least 15 years ago. It collected the tears nicely.

The truth of the matter is that grief is seeming to get... harder.

Yep, you read it here, kids. Not easier. Nope, not yet.

HARDER.

More difficult.

More sad.

More tough.

Just when you think you're all, "I've got this. Look at me! I'm moving forward! My grief is tolerable! I should write a manual or a book!" Yeah, just when you think that you're doing alright the FREAKING house falls on you Wizard-of-Oz style and all you can do is just lay there. In your ruby slippers. And feel the weight of the house on you.



Speaking of houses, we accepted an offer on my Mom's house a few weeks ago. It fell through this week. I'm oddly, really ok with this. Still, there's a lot of emotion there. And we're up, then we're down. Then we're up again, nope, back down.

It's funny, or not so much, how when you're grieving like you've never grieved before there are details to take care of... so... many... details. Estates. Houses. Attorneys. Probate. Sigh.

In light of the impending house closing that was supposed to happen this week, I scheduled a trip to go to Missouri so that we could go through my Mom's house for the last time. You'll remember my last trip didn't quite work out. (See here.) I got stick in Dallas for DAYS and didn't even get to Missouri.

This time I left this morning, sans children, and am right now safely typing in Dallas.

The last time I traveled alone was to Missouri the day after she died. (See? It's always with me.)

In just hours I'll get to hug my sister. :) This is a long time coming. :) And it pleases me.

::

What else pleases me?

This little sweetie.

Here she is earlier this week putting her makeup on in my bathroom.


Even when you don't feel like it, you just have to keep going, right?


Love.



And finally, speaking of love.

Every morning when the sun rises, sunbeams rush through Vivi and Lila's bedroom windows.

Wednesday morning was exceptional.



Lila and Vivi say that Nana makes the sunbeams and puts them there.

I think they're right.

::

Have a good day, friends.

Thanks for sticking around and with me through all of this.

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3 comments:

  1. many tears, my friend.. we are here, always. she is there, always… in tears and sunbeams.. love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. HUGS to you my friend.

    "Lila and Vivi say that Nana makes the sunbeams and puts them there."

    This, this makes me cry. Kids see the life in places we may have forgotten to look. Their innocence and sweetness makes every passing day a little better. Sigh

    (And Vivi putting make-up on with her little hands....oh, my goodness. So sweet)

    ReplyDelete

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