on grief: 2 days from 4 months

1.6.14

I've been struggling with the facts lately.

I find myself thinking about my Mom. Especially at night after her granddaughters are in bed; when I'm packing lunches or after the dinner dishes are washed. I reach for my phone.

Well, I don't reach for the phone with my hand anymore. I continue to reach for the phone with my heart

Then my brain reminds me.

I find myself saying, "She's dead." Not out loud of course... that's too real. Too true. But I say it in my head.

And that's as far as I get. 

I have to keep saying, "Dead. Dead. Dead" in my brain and I may as well be speaking Swahili because it just doesn't register.

It's like when you're working through a particularly difficult math story problem... you have to take it v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-ly. Drawing a visual map in your mind so that you can connect the dots. "Your Mom was once alive. You talked to her on a Sunday night. The next day, she got up and got in her car and she got into a car accident and she died. It's nearly four months later, when will Kylee understand that she is gone?"

My thinking keep running in circles:

Can't call her --> She's dead  --> But I want to call her --> But you can't because she's dead.  --> That can't be.  --> No, she's dead.  --> But I just talked to her... a few months ago. --> But now you can't because she's dead. She's not just gone. She's dead. -->  See Kylee? She's dead.  --> But I want to call her.  --> You can't call her.

The "dead" cycle goes through my head about six times a day.

It's not pretty, but it's real.

::

I can see how people start to block this part out. How they wrap it up, put it in a very small box and stuff it in the farthest spot in the darkest closet of their life. Of their heart. I can see how people want to sprint past this part.

It's much easier to stuff it away and to act like it didn't happen. It's much easier to reject the reality than to repeat the truth in your mind everyday. 

Dead.

Dead means gone.

Dead means no more conversations.

::

Announcement: Your Mom will be dead from here on out.

::

Heavy, sadness soaked sigh..

::

It will be four months on Thursday and I'm still in disbelief.
The shock is gone. The utter disbelief has moved in and is squatting in my brain and in my heart.


I wonder how long this will last.

::

--The Story of Loss. On Losing my Mom.
September 9, 2013  ::  The day I found out ::  Post here.
September 16, 2013  ::  It's One Week today  ::  Post here.
September 25, 2013  :: The Call  ::  Post here.
September 30, 2013  ::  Slivers of Sunlight  ::  Post here.
October 6, 2013  ::  That first week.Those first days :: Post here.
October 14, 2013  ::  14 days after  ::  Post here.
October 20, 2013  ::  I found a treasure  ::  Post here.
November 4, 2013  ::  She's been gone for 4 weeks  :: Post here.
November 13, 2013  ::  I smile and drive and cry and smile and cry  :: Post here.
November 17, 2013  ::  Weekends aren't easy  :: Post here.
November 26, 2013  ::  The holidays, the firsts  ::  Post here.
December 1, 2013  ::  8 weeks  :: Post here.
December 10, 2013  ::  The Dream  :: Post here.
December 19, 2013  ::  Vulnerability and Moving Forward  ::  Post here.
December 22, 2013  ::  The reminders. They're everywhere  ::  Post here.
December 29, 2013  :: 2013  :: Post here.
January 1, 2014  ::  The New Year  ::  Post here.


Photobucket
--



No comments:

written exclusively by twopretzels. | Contact kyleeATtwopretzels.com . Powered by Blogger.