Sunday, December 29, 2013

on grief: 2013

Note: I'm all caught up. Everything I'm writing about the loss of my Mom is now in real-time. This post was written on Sunday night at my dining room table. I cried a little, because I always do. And here it is. For more of this journey I'm on, see below for the other posts - or that link at the side of my blog.

::

Our tree.

Written Sunday :: 12.29.13 

Today Craig made me a massage appointment and on my way home I called him to let him know that I was going to stop at the grocery store. The day before, Saturday, I had taken down the majority of our Christmas decorations, but hadn't touched the tree. I asked him what he was doing, he said that he was in the process of taking down the Christmas tree.

I was speechless.

And angry. 

And sad.

"WHY?! What are you doing? STOP! Why are you doing that?"

:: 

I'm certain that this reaction seemed strange. 

Who yells at their husband for voluntarily participating in the absolute worst part of Christmas? Removing Christmas lights from a Christmas tree is horrendous -- especially if you're a branch-wrapper like me.

But still, I wanted him to stop. IMMEDIATELY.

He told me, "I'll stop now..."

I interrupted, "...but why are you doing this? This is my thing. I have specific boxes for specific things and..."

"I'll wait for you to get home. I'll pause."

::

I got off the phone with him, put my car in reverse to back out of my parking space after the incredible massage and I bit my lip... because I was crying.

I was crying about my husband taking down our Christmas tree.

No.

I was crying because taking down the Christmas tree means we're one step closer to saying goodbye to 2013. 

::

You'd think that I want to be rid of this year; that I want to move on and start anew. "Kylee, there are good things coming for you in 2014!"

You know what I say to that? Shut it.

Because I don't want to say goodbye to this year.

I don't want to say goodbye to the last year that my Mom lived.

::

She lived in 2013. 

She was alive in January, in February, in March, in April, in May, in June, in July, in August and for 9 days in September...

She woke up everyday. She grocery shopped. We texted. We chatted. We called. We facetimed. She planted a garden. She took care of her garden. She canned. She called me and sang to me on my birthday. She called me her, "baby girl." She laughed. Then she, like her garden, and oddly around the same time... she died.

::

I feel far enough away from her as it is and a new year means more space... more time between us.

I want to stay here.

Today and right now? I'm not ready for this. 

::

When I got home from the grocery store I saw the tree in it's being-taken-down-state and I told Craig that I cried when he told me that he was taking it down.

Then later on tonight I told him why.

And he nodded and he understood and he said, "Kylee, you don't have to say anything else..."

And I didn't.

::

--The Story of Loss. On Losing my Mom.

September 9, 2013  ::  The day I found out ::  Post here.
September 16, 2013  ::  It's One Week today  ::  Post here.
September 25, 2013  :: The Call  ::  Post here.
September 30, 2013  ::  Slivers of Sunlight  ::  Post here.
October 6, 2013  ::  That first week.Those first days :: Post here.
October 14, 2013  ::  14 days after  ::  Post here.
October 20, 2013  ::  I found a treasure  ::  Post here.
November 4, 2013  ::  She's been gone for 4 weeks  :: Post here.
November 13, 2013  ::  I smile and drive and cry and smile and cry  :: Post here.
November 17, 2013  ::  Weekends aren't easy  :: Post here.
November 26, 2013  ::  The holidays, the firsts  ::  Post here.
December 1, 2013  ::  8 weeks  ::  Post here.
December 10, 2013  ::  The Dream  ::  Post here.
December 19, 2013  ::  Vulnerability and Moving Forward  ::  Post here.
December 22, 2013  ::  The reminders. They're everywhere  :: Post here.

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4 comments:

  1. Oh Kylee.

    Your feelings and reaction are totally understandable.

    BIG HUGS.

    ReplyDelete
  2. it's been a long few months, friend. my thoughts are streaming your way as you ebb and flow through the end of a rough 2013. hugs and love, Miss

    ReplyDelete
  3. xoxoxoxoxoxo

    This is a beautiful post and with not so many words, says it all.
    You certainly married the right man. His heart just knows yours and the two of you jive.

    My heart is with you today as this year comes to a close. I wish you the tears you need, the laughter you deserve, the love that surrounds you and peace as you cross over into 2014.

    xoxoxoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete

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