The chapter ends. The next one begins.


I'm no longer a breastfeeding Mommy. The chapter in this book is closed.

Vivienne turned one on the 24th of January (party pictures here) and by February 21st, she was done.

The transition? Um, what transition? She didn't care. "Kindly hand me my Tinkerbell stainless steel thermos of milk, Mommy, yeah, thanks. Oh, and keep your shirt on. This big girl doesn't need you anymore."

Clearly it had no major sentimental effect on Vivienne. How did it affect me?

Eh, well.

Ok.

You see, as I've written before - I'm one of those weirdo-Moms who really likes breastfeeding. It was easy for me. The bond. The closeness. The convenience of it all. Knowing that for the first six months of my daughters' lives I was the reason why they were alive and thriving was the coolest feeling in the world -- something that I'm oddly proud of. Then, mix in the full-time working Mom thing and the nursing becomes that much more of a, well, a treasure. The nursing kept the guilt at bay...

But, as they often do, my daughter grew up. Vivienne was becoming more and more restless and I knew the curtain was closing and it was time to take a bow from this part of my life.

Knowing that Vivienne will more than likely be our final child made this a wee-bit bittersweet.

The fact of the matter is that I don't believe I am ever going to hold a newborn baby of ours again... and that's ok. It's our decision. Sure, sure, sure -- you could counter, "Who knows what the future holds? Maybe you'll have another one..." You may not have heard me: we're pretty much finished with the having-of-the-babies right now. It is something we're preventing. At this point we're sufficiently obligated, thank you very much and we have no intentions of going down this road again. Our family of four, plus two dogs works for us. The baby accoutrements are being given away at every opportunity.

So there is a part of me that is so very thrilled with my new un-encumbrance. No pump. No rushing home to feed a baby on my lunch hour and after work. No cleaning of the pump parts. (UGH. Is that not the worst part?) No bottles. No looking at the clock during a meeting or conference call wondering, "Um, I wonder when this is going to be over with - I really need to pump."

The stress that comes with the first year has subsided and now we're happily toddling into a new world with our baby-turned-toddler. (I've always loved that Grumbles and Grunts coined the term, "toddleby". It's so apt. She's not a baby, yet not a toddler. Much like how Britney Spears was, "not a girl, not yet a woman." I know. Gag me, right?)

Vivi needs me in new ways these days. She needs me to hold her hands when she's walking. She needs me to help her climb up the slide backwards. (Who is this kid?) She needs me to help her put her headband on. (Accessories! I knew we'd find the perfect one for her.) She needs me to open the door to the courtyard so that she can walk around at her leisure and attempt to play with Lila's sidewalk chalk.

She needs me to help her put her glasses on so that she can get.in.her.car and blow this pop stand.


Vivienne needs me in a different way... and I love that.

So, adios breast pump. Adios nursing. Adios nursing bras. (!!!)

I'm me again.

I'm free to take whatever cold medicines I want.
I'm free to have a glass of wine. Or seven. (As if. These kids wake up at 6 a.m.).
I'm free to use RETINOL on my skin!

I'm me again.

I'm Kylee again.

And I'm pleased.

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6 comments:

  1. YAY YOU and to finally having YOUR boobs back!! :) And that is FANTASTIC that you made it a year and that you two had such a great bond with it! That is no easy thing to accomplish. And it has to be easier that you are both done at the same time, and now you can move on to all those other things she needs you for. So Sweet :)

    (That picture of her in her glasses….AWESOME!)

    As you are talking about it, can I just say I am sooooo ready to be done with pumping.

    R.E.A.D.Y.

    Nursing has never worked for us and I have had so many issues with pumping that I think because of this, there is absolutely no bond for me in regards to breastfeeding. I think I actually hate it. :( Maybe if there was that bond it would be different…but there isn’t so I am basically just old Bessy, pumping milk for Henry at the worn down milk factory!!

    I even tried again the other day (I try every few weeks) and he was more interested in watching TV than nursing. And when I turned the TV off he was then more interested in playing with my shirt or his shirt or my boob (weirdo) or wiggling around or doing anything else that caught his attention other than eating…which is not normal because the boy LOVES to eat, just not from me!

    I am glad I gave it a try and I wanted to TRY to do for at least 6 months. Well Henry is 25 weeks old today so we will see what happens in the coming weeks, but I think I will soon be transitioning him to formula. And I can’t wait, I am SO ready to be done pumping what feels like ALL the time, hooking up my pump and cleaning the parts, getting up early and staying up late so I can pump, getting frustrated because the pump is acting up or my supply is low or I ate something and it doesn’t agree with him…DONE!

    But, um….I rather like a few of my nursing bras, I may keep wearing some of them ;)

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  2. Amiga, I love you and admire you. And I'm SO HAPPY you had the opportunity to be aware of the nursing treasure and enjoyed it while you had it; knowing that it would end. I wished I was aware when Nico stopped nursing. I wish I hadn't been so arrogant and just assumed I'd had the chance to do it all over again... Because I'd had enjoyed it and treasured it more... way more.

    I'm happy you have the family you always wanted. The one that you fought and keep figthing for. I'm 30 minus 4 days (whoa) and I still need my mom SO MUCH. Your ladies might not need your milk anymore, but your love? They will need it forever.

    I love you. Welcome back to freedom.

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  3. You both agreed and decided the time was up, and there you have it. Nothing else to be said.

    Anyone who even tries to breastfeed is my hero. Pumping and everything that goes with it makes it that much harder. You're awesome. You done good. Be proud of yourself.

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  4. I felt the same way when Keira was finished. I was a little sad. I loved it too!

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  5. way to go, ky and vivi!! you should feel such a sense of accomplishment. and how perfect that you were both done at the same time. enjoy, enjoy, enjoy just being YOU again... medicine and skin care and wine galore! :)

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  6. Welcome back to Kylee, Kylee. Good for you! Raising another independent little girl aren't you? (Like I'm surprised by that)

    You have such perspective, Ky. . . I will remember these words. As a serial griever, myself, I need to remember that "they need us in different ways". So, so true. It just looks different, but our role is still is vitally important.

    Thank you for this.

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