Eventful is how I like my Monday mornings.

12/01/2008 10:20:00 AM
I don't like birds. At all.
I would never be an Audobon Society bird watcher for fun.
Birds are skittish, noisy and messy and not to be trusted.
They're sometimes cute from afar when they're little birdies. Aside from that, I merely co-exist with them in the same way as I do some ridiculous family members.

That said, EVERY morning at 7 a.m. two black and white specked birds (as if I know what type of bird they are) have a loud meeting just feet away from my bedroom. (Keep in mind our house is made of concrete and single-pained windows that are still open, since it's still 80 here. This means we can hear EVERYTHING these birds are "saying".)

So, to combat this, I sleep with a pillow over my head from 7:00 a.m. - 8:00 a.m. (This works out well since I'm such a morning person, anyway. [insert sarcasm])

I loathe these birds. Literally, if I had a gun...

So, today the two birds were clearly having some sort of dispute because their "chatting" reached one of the loudest, screechiest decibles yet. So, what do I do? Walk to the window and scream:

"BIRDS! SHUT UP! ENOUGH!"

Then, I go start getting ready for work.

By 8:30 a.m. I walk into the living room and decide to turn on the power strip so that I might illuminate my mini Christmas tree (see below) before work. (I love Christmas.)

What happens next?

A BIRD, the SAME BIRD I YELLED AT THIS MORNING, FLEW OFF OF THE CURTAIN ROD IN OUR LIVING ROOM AND DODGED ME. In MY home.

I was assaulted by a bird this morning in my own home.

--

I scream.

VERY loudly.

My shadow, Fergie, immediately freezes. Her heart starts beating so fast she can nearly walk. I think she collaped in fear for a sec. I pick her up and run to my husband who is getting out of the shower.

"CRAIG, THERE IS A BIRD IN THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!"

He laughs.

(Yes. Laughs.)

Then, he tells me I overreact about everything.

(Ferg's still breathing hard. Of course, I'm holding her in order to protect my 8-lb-dog from the .5 lb. bird)

C. says he'll help me. He spies bird excrement in our hallway (!!!) and after a thorough inspection confirms the bird must have left the same way he arrived: through the always-open door to the courtyard. (Open for Ferg to come and go at her convenience.)

Bottom line: I hate birds. They should know their place. It's outside. Not inside. Get out of my house. Jerk.

I have to think that bird was trying to put me in my place. Pretty much saying, "Ok, so do you want me to sing IN your house every morning? Or is outside your preference?"

(Ferg, still in my arms, is still shaking. That dog feels what I feel. We're BFFs. Either that, or I project my feelings on her far too much.)

So finally, I calm down. I eat a bowl of cereal and notice there's a stray cat (WHAT?!) sitting outside on our patio in a chair.

WHAT? Enough. Enough unwelcomed guests.

Cats and BIRDS? This is my nightmare.

Thumbs down for Mondays.

6 comments:

  1. Maybe the cat will eat the birds, then you will be done with them. Cats are much more quiet

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  2. YOU ARE SO FUNNY!!! i can hear you saying these things, see you in my mind "overreacting", according to C.

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  3. i'm sorry but damn, that's just funny. that bird was going to show you! hahaha. however, i would have been a bit freaked out if a bird was in my house....

    the stray cat will likely leave if you don't feed him/her...unless of course the cat is "in" with the birds...then you might have a problem

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  4. This is my exact nightmare. That a bird will fly at my head and peck on me. I enjoyed the "cats and birds... that's my nightmare.".... amen to that.

    This made me LOL. The bird was in the house????

    And wait... the door is always open. Are there not insects, lizards and cockroaches in your house (based on where you live)????? I would not be able to sleep at night for fear of creepy crawlies!

    Note to self (you): Don't yell at bird tomorrow morning.

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  5. I had to read it again. The best part actually is "I was assaulted by a bird this morning in my own home". Ok, I'm now going to read the story to my mom.....

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  6. HA...what a horrible way to start your monday. Stupid bird. I am with you, if there was ever a bird in my house, I would be screaming as well and running for safety...blech. I hope your Tuesday is MUCH better and Ferg has recovered!

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